==>If you demand for him to run away with you, he wouldn’t. If you demand for him to leave Gamzee or serve another, he wouldn’t. Even if you should ask to stay in the comfort of his presence for a few nights you know it wouldn’t be possible, every desire would be met with rejection. But its nice to know you are allowed those unvoiced wants.
==>You smile at his promise, but alas hadn’t you come over for the sake of a bubble bath and cuddles, yet it had gone wrong as it always does. You may trust him, but you can’t trust yourself to keep positive. You sit up, wondering if he might be returning the music box and sure enough its in his hands. His words become muffled, you take it and look over it, wanting to scream at him, at anyone for the minor damage done. Its there, pulsing and breaking and pumping out toxins and waste. Inside the box was your heart, and you open it to let out a tune forgotten. Nothing is missing. Razors, pens, journal, a small bag of nip. Its screeching, overflowing with foul liquid while the comforting tune becomes screeching, becomes nails on chalk board, becomes the Angel over and over and over again. It becomes Horuss, it becomes Kankri. Kurloz. Cronus. Mituna and Damara and Latula. You pull out the small book, flipping through the pages of old entries with each echoing laughs or wails or curses. And you’re so very tempted to carve his name into the paper until it bleeds but here isn’t the time or place and you put it back to close the sobbing box, storing it in your sylladex as the rope breaks.
==>You turn back to him, giving a thin smile.
THANK YOU FOR K33PING IT SAFE.
==> You shake your head in a ‘no problem’ sort of way. You would have imagined her to be happier about receiving it, but that isn’t the case. Even her words seem strange, for there was obvious wear on it from not being kept safe. But maybe it wasn’t an object of happiness like you thought. Maybe it was just something that she had since she was a wiggler and wanted to keep. The melody was something you may have heard her humming once or twice, but nothing you could claim to know or recall.
==> You lie down with your face staring at the ceiling, your palms up at your side, and you’re frustrated. You want to think that things would get better from here on out. She was aware of your fears, you told her something you thought she wanted to hear, and you couldn’t do it. All you’re ever going to do is damage her and grip the ends of her heart until you’ve torn it to something unrecognizable. You regret opening up, now that you’ve come to think about it. If you had kept quiet down there, none of this would have happened. She wouldn’t have felt insecure about your tie to Gamzee, she wouldn’t have had to feel responsible for leaving you, you wouldn’t have snapped and lost your calm, and you wouldn’t feel like smiles were lies. Because they wouldn’t be. They’d be honest if you just sewed your lips shut. We’re fucked, aren’t we? You’d ask, but you swore no more questions. And you’d rather not know the answer.
==> Sleep would be the obvious solution, but you can’t. You’d awake in under an hour either way, but soon enough, you’d start hurting and spiraling into nausea. Tonight has been heavy, and you were tired of turning everything sour.
+++ I LOVE YOU. MAY TAKE LONGER THAN EITHER OF US WISH IT, BUT I FUCKIN’ WANT US TO FIND SOME SORT OF HAPPINESS. ESPECIALLY YOU. EACH DAY, I WANT TO BE REMINDING THEE SOMEHOW OF THY MARVELOUS GIFTS AND EXISTENCE. THOU HADST BEEN WRONGED TOO MOTHER FUCKING MANY A FUCKIN TIME. THY PAIN ALL AND GETS MY PITY SURELY, BUT THY PAIN IS SHARED. THY HAPPINESS, ALSO. AND SELFISHLY, I CLING TO THY RAYS OF WARMTH FROM THE SUN THOU HAST SHONE UPON ME, BUT I HAVE LEFT THEE COLD. +++
==> You turn your head slightly to her.
+++ AND FOR THAT, I AM SORRY. I NEED TO BE RETURNING IT, GIVING THEE BACK WHAT ONCE WAS THINE. +++
==>Second chances, isn’t that wonderful? Its as if you were forgiven by the universe, the horrorterrors allowing you all to be born into the bubbles in a sense. A dream world were no one had been hurt until now, or at least as far as you’re concerned. Thinking about it made you want to take up research again, so you focus on the curls of his hair and the shape of his horns. His question comes back and you suppose there can’t be harm in answering it a bit late.
IF WE HAD LIVED, I WOULD HAVE WANTED TO BE WITH YOU. HERE, I COULD WAIT FUREVFUR FOR MY PRINCE TO DECIDE HE WANTED TO S33 ME. BUT THERE I’D ONLY HAVE SO MUCH TIME, YOU KNOW? I GUESS I’D BE A LITTLE SELFISH AND ASK YOU TO FURGIVE ME.
==>But would he? You can’t be sure, and it makes you pout because if he hadn’t then you don’t know what you’d have done. Could you have been his friend if he knew that love had never died? You don’t think it possible, seeing the way the blood filed into his eyes, seeing him change, get taller, grow his hair, cut it. Seeing him live without being able to love him, what a selfish creature you are.
ARE YOU SURE?
FR33 PASS FUR GRABS, ASK AWAY! WHATEVFUR YOUR HEART DESIRES!
==>You laugh a bit, reaching out to run your hand through his hair again. If he was done asking questions then you’d want to be in his arms, or go back downstairs and make some tea. Would there still be ice cream left over from all that time ago when you were a prisoner of sorts? Probably not.
==> She starts up again, and you keep your eyes closed as you listen and picture those words with a positive and dream-like lens. You don’t think you’d need to forgive her for anything. She never did anything wrong. The break up was just something that happened, and you were responsible for it for becoming so reclusive and isolated. You would run and run and run like hell from having to face anything or anyone. But she never ran from you, and being friends had to be enough. It never was, but at least she was close.
+++ WOULD HAVE BEEN A MOTHERFUCKIN’ DREAM. BE SELFISH, BELOVED. DEMAND WHAT THOU MAYEST DESIRE, AND GET TO SNATCHING THAT SHIT SHOULD IT ENSURE THY HAPPINESS. +++
==> She says you can ask anything, but you’d rather not. You want to ask if she still wants to live with you here, but you know she wouldn’t even if she said so. You would ask if she could forgive Gamzee, though you know she never will. You would ask her if she’d stand with you while the entire world burned. The last you mentioned the desire, she seemed put off by it. That was before you lost it, but something crossed your thinkpan in its memory. When she was suffering greatly, you told her to come to you for refuge. You retrieved something for her to ease her troubles, but you only added to them in the end. That was wrong, and you hadn’t made it any easier since.
+++ I PROMISE. THE NEXT YOU COME, IT WILL BE FOR NOTHING BUT BLISS AND PEACE. LOVE AND EASINESS. PEACE. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I NEED TO BE RETURNING TO THEE, AS THAT GETS TO REMINDING A MOTHERFUCKER. +++
==> You sit up and crawl to the edge of your bed, leaning down, and reaching underneath to feel for it. You’d kept it where no one would think to look. Not your alters, not Gamzee, not Mituna, not Aranea, not Cronus, not the Angel, and certainly not yourself as you had clearly forgotten for so long. You hand her the box, not sure if anything had been tampered with other than the outside having a deep scratch from either being knocked or something else you couldn’t remember, but you had no desire to keep it other than the fact that it seemed like a piece of her was always in the room. But you had her ghost in the walls either way.
+++ LO SIENTO. TOOK A LONG MOTHER FUCKIN’ WHILE. SUFFERED A SCRATCH OR TWO. +++
==>You’d answered wrong but everything else was over said and over used and over done. Match maker, hunter, waiting until death to be free of your lusus. It wasn’t until after death after all that you truly became close. His words draw your attention, words of miracles and life and death. Could plants double die? They were the same as you and he right? Once dead. Maybe. He’s right, its a crazy miracle memory, the way everything works. You close your eyes and recall the memory from before, or the imagined one anyways.
SOMETIMES I CAN S33 US LIVING HERE. SOMETIMES AT THE CAVE. SOLKIT LIKES TO CLIMB THE WALLS, SO I KNOW ITS NOT TOO FAR AHEAD. AND CATMOM VISITS OCCASIONALLY. WHENEVER I THINK OF THE FUTURE, YOU ARE WITH ME.
==>Maybe that was wrong too, but you open your eyes and shrug. He exists and you exist and in the end every conversation would lead to death and double death and he’d just come and rip your spine out. You sigh and nod.
YES. YOU ARE RIGHT. I REMEMBER YOU, AND YOU REMEMBER ME. BUT I DIDN’T REMEMBER YOU, YOU WERE STILL REAL. I DON’T KNOW HOW THE BUBBLES WORK AS OTHERS MIGHT, I’M JUST GRATEFUL FOR THEM.
==> You like this better, and you feel the side of your face sink into the pillow as she talks of a future from her own perspective, but even moreso that she chooses to see you there. You like the sound of that. You nod, recalling the time she hadn’t remembered you, but you knew about memories. They weren’t just pieces that could be erased. They would be rewritten or organized, but one could not undo the past completely with a blank slate in place. Those memories existed whether or not a person could consciously remember them. At least, that was what you liked to believe. You closed your eyes.
+++ GRATEFUL. SAME. +++
+++ WITHOUT, NEVER WOULD HAVE BEEN GIVEN SECOND CHANCES. +++
==> Your second chance at existence, her second chance at forming a closer understanding with her lusus, Cronus’s second chance at being a better person, and all the other chances you all were given in this afterlife never would have been possible. Though, what second chance were you waiting for? You could say it was being together with Meulin again, but what was his? You don’t know, and you’d rather not think about it after all.
+++ APOLOGIES. ENOUGH QUESTIONS FROM A MOTHERFUCKER. +++
==>You follow him into the room, waiting for any backlash or sign that he wasn’t alright. He doesn’t seem to notice the mess but if he does you can only hope it won’t be bad later on. You take a seat on the bed, making yourself comfortable quickly as you take a pillow into your arms and wait for him.
==>You move a bit closer to him once he is there but not that much since you don’t want to be too loud if talking ensues which it does after a moment. Sometimes you don’t really like how he looks at you, like you’re disposable and cruel. And sometimes there was kindness in his eyes and you’ve seen that there much more than the other, so its hard to actually care. His question takes catches you off guard, though you frown slightly because you’re future hadn’t been very bright back then, and you don’t know if you’d ever had him again. You had wanted to be a match maker, Catmom wanted you to join something big, you’d wanted to grow flowers, she wanted you to kill. And kill you did. From early on, maybe not trolls, maybe not as elegantly as he. But kill and fight or you’d get culled.
I WOULD HAVE PROBABLY GOTTEN EATEN BY SOME BEAST.
==>You cringe. That had to be the truth. You were a handicapped hunter, and all wounded hunters became prey eventually.
AND YOU? TAKEN THE PATH OF A SUBJUGGLATOR?
==> You frown with her response, seeing how she ignored what you actually asked, and really, that just made you remember that it would have been your fault for causing her hearing to become lost. Wanted was different than what would have happened, and when she asks you the same, you shrug. It was hard to remember, but were Subjugglators even an occupation on Beforus? You wanted to ask her because you probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to do anything. You would have died off soon, and your original core self would have lived out his life in whatever twisted way he desired. You decide to drop the subject instead of tread further into a negative mindset.
+++ NOT SURE. +++
+++ FARTHEST FUTURE I GET TO BE IMAGINING IS SPRING. MOTHERFUCKER’S FORGOTTEN WHAT IT’S LIKE WITH ALL THE COLD. SAY THE MIRACLES GO ABOUT BRINGING IT BACK TO LIFE, REVIVING THE DEAD. ALMOST FUNNY THAT PLANTS CAN WITHER IN A FUCKING AFTERLIFE. TIS THE CYCLE, AFTER ALL. FROM LIFE COMES DEATH, BUT EXISTENCE ALL AND GETS ITS VERIFICATION FROM MEMORY AND RECOGNITION. I REMEMBER THEE, AND THOU HOLDST ME WITHIN THY MEMORY. SO WE MAY EXIST, WHETHER OR NOT WE DIE WITH THE WINTER AND RISE IN THE SPRING, YES? +++
==>You can’t help but giggle, glad the heavy stuff could be put to rest for a moment. Anymore of that and you’d have shut down, you’re no good at watching and not helping and being helpless. But he stands and brushes your cheek, drawing out a mrrow of joy from the least rotten parts of your heart.
I’D JOIN YOU ANYWHERE!
==>You quickly make your way to him, taking his arm and tugging him along before of course letting him have the lead. Its his hive after all. However as you walk you refuse to think of the stairs, you look away from the stake in the wall and drown out the thought of him attempting against his life. Put it to rest for now. Make him happy for just a moment. At least do that right.
==> Your thinkpan wants to cling to the word anywhere and twist it around to be false, and they say to break every bone in her tail, hack it off, and shove it down her lying throat. And your hand almost goes to reach for it when she takes your arm and leads you out the room where you walk along and leave the voice behind. After a moment of walking, you assume the leadership position and mentally carry heavier steps that would be lighter if you weren’t so strangely prideful. Light in the feelings of love, but you’re more grounded than that. You notice your broken door, shrug, and just leave it agains the wall where you’d deal with it later. As well as the mess of fallen drawers and unfolded clothes.
==> You sit at the edge of the bed, welcoming her to get comfortable on it and that you’d join in a minute. You wanted to take the robe off your shoulders and toss it over by the dresser. Then you crawled over and occupied the space beside her, turned on your side, and made your face level with hers where you could just look at her. You want her to be OK, but you’re not sure if you have the ability to do it. You’ve been a reason for so much scarring that even if you kissed every wound, even if she forgave you, you would still come back to find them reopened. You’re quiet for a while until you thought of something.
+++ IF WE HADN’T ALL AND MOTHER FUCKIN’ HAD TO BE GETTING OUR FUCKING DYING ON BACK THEN, WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE WANTED TO DO WITH THAT TIME LEFT? +++